One of my closets holds a 3-foot Christmas tree. It is artificial, of course, as it is in a box. It was an early version of simulation, not as glamorous as those out there today, but it has done the job.
It was the Christmas tree for our RV. We used to travel during holidays as those were times when we both had days off.
I got it out maybe 3 to 4 years ago, decorated it, and put strings of lights around the fireplace and tables. It is staying in the box this year.
In that same closet is a tiny tree about 6 inches tall. I used to put it out in my workshop. There were tiny decorations and packages to go with it.
I am alone this year. My spouse died two Christmases ago and, for several years prior to that, didn’t know what Christmas was due to Dementia.
I’m not decorating inside my house this year. I just don't feel like dragging the stuff out and dragging it back in the closet. The baubles don't give me pleasure.
I have decorated the outside area of my house with reindeer and lights. This makes me smile when I see it. The reindeer fold up and store in boxes. Over the years, the display has become more difficult to maintain because if one light goes out, they all do. I spent weeks restringing lights and getting them operational. The light strings have been replaced with modern LEDs.
On the outside, my house looks festive, appropriate for the season.
A friend (my grief partner) looked at me funny when I said I wasn’t going to decorate inside. This could be a potential danger sign indicating depression, and possibly even thoughts of suicide. Those of us with recent losses are really at high risk. The future may look abysmal.
I have to admit, I have experienced guilt about my spouse's illness and subsequent death. I have felt like I was in a bottomless pit, feeling empty and at times having unbearable emotional pain.
My pain and grief has lessened somewhat. I have been fortunate to have friends who have found me, wrapped me in love, and protected me.
Maybe I'll decorate next year.
Let me know how you are doing. I care.
Contemplation: Are the decorations an indication of our emotional status, or just social pressure for this time of year?
Sincerely,
Lynn Brooke
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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau
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