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The Wounds of Loss

Updated: Jun 29, 2023

Life Lesson: Grieving has its own timeline.


I am lately in touch with others who are grieving. Person-to-person. They have expressed guilt they should be done with grieving. I see grieving in a different way.


I think loss results in a wound of the soul (or inner core). As a wound of flesh goes through stages of healing, I can see the soul showing inflammation, oozing serous fluids, physical pain, emotional pain, redness and swelling, interruption in our senses, inability to think or function and numbness.


The tears we shed are comparable to the clear serous fluid excreted from a physical wound.


There are ointments, antibiotics, heat and ice to treat physical wounds. Our wounds from loss are invisible, therefore they often go ignored. Treatment for physical wounds often call for leaving the wound open to the air to let it heal from the bottom up.


Why do so many try to cover up the emotional wound? I believe it needs to air. The loved one lost needs to be talked about, cried about. The wound needs time to heal from the bottom up. It doesn’t happen as fast as a physical wound. Perhaps the substance of the soul is more specialized, more sensitive, more in need of specialized treatment. Treatment which can’t be purchased at the pharmacy.


Some of the most important treatment items consist of love from others, of remembrances, of experiencing the separateness and of hearing about the wonderfulness of our loved one.


A wound may heal in 10 days. A wound of the soul may take years. It takes as long as it takes.


There are many traditions associated with the dying. The left one may be expected to keep watch, be present at a wake. Have a funeral. Have a gathering after. Maybe have a commemorative or remembrance gathering. This usually occurs on a timeline. Burial is expected within a certain amount of days, and so on. The left one is shepherded through all of these. Of course, numb. People and friends and family drop off food. They call, they hover.


Then the left one is left ALONE. For a while, friends and family check in, assure themselves all is OK. All is NOT OK. Grieving may or may not have even started. The left one may be numb for months before active grieving starts.


After what is considered an “appropriate” amount of time (I don’t know who determines this), the left one is expected to be over grief and stop the long face and crying. They are expected to get rid of everything associated with their loved one and get on with life.


It doesn’t happen that way and there is no timeline.


Grieving is personal. Loss has to be experienced by each individual in their own way, on their own timeline.


The left one may start to be avoided or cajoled for not wanting to join.


I believe it is crucial for those grieving to be in contact with “like kind.” Someone that introduces grief groups and counseling, some of which are effective, some are not. This is also personal. What works for me, may not work for you, but it may be worth trying.


The grief group in my community has had the same woman coming for six years, telling the same story, using everyone’s time and wailing. She is obviously stuck. She is no longer grieving. She is exhibiting symptoms of something entirely different. She, in my opinion, needs extensive professional help. As a consequence, few attend this grief group.


I believe it is imperative the left one knows that someone cares for and about them. Someone who gives love. Someone who will listen. Someone who knows that caring needs to occur for as long as it is necessary. It may take a long time. The soul needs time to heal as it is a major wound.


I have been so fortunate to have friends who call and text on a regular basis, people who spend time with me. I have had a “grief partner.”


I have extended my caring to those of you who have suffered losses. This is not one-sided. I feel the caring coming back at me. I feel loved. Thank you.


We all need to keep in mind, our grieving is an honor to our loved ones who have died. They gave to us caring or we would be indifferent to their passing.


I will take my time to grieve. I will let it happen, whenever it bursts out. I have no timeline and no apologies to those who express I need to get on with my life.


My grief is evidence of my love for, and in honor of my wife who has gone before me.


Let me know how you are doing, I care


Sincerely,


Lynn Brooke


© 2023 Our New Chances. All rights reserved.

Photo credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau

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