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New Decisions, Everyday, while Coping with Grief

Life lesson: Choices are ours. Outcomes are not always predictable.

comfort chair

The new flooring has been installed and the workers left yesterday. It is artificial wood planks and it is beautiful. It so closely resembles real wood, it is hard to tell the difference. It has a rough grain and there are color variations. Occasionally there is a simulated knothole.


I love wood, but on the floor, I would rather have carpet. The style, now, is not carpet, but solid stuff under foot, but the reason for the new floor is the dog. She decided she didn’t have to go outside to do her business, even though she would when I insisted. I love carpets. I love the way it feels underfoot. I love that you don’t hear yourself walk when you go down the hall, but it just wasn’t practical with the dog behaving the way she was.


It seems like the minute the carpet was pulled up, the dog immediately went to the door and wanted out. Out she went and did her business. During the night she stood on my head, and when I didn’t immediately jump up, she scratched on my hair until I did get up and let her out. She immediately did her business.


She knew the entire time what she was supposed to do. She knew when she was done, she would get a little treat. She had me fooled, and trained.


Now, I shall see what she is going to do with the new flooring. I expect I will have to put down some area rugs. Is she going to revert to her former behavior?


As she and I are working to re-enter life, it seems the easiest thing to do is what we were doing before our loss. She doesn’t want to go outside. I want to stay inside in my chair, read a book, and be comfortable, not open the door to what may be out there, which is all kinds of new people.


The world has drastically changed during the 10 years I cared for my loved one. People are not all kind. Many are rude. Driving seems a matter of survival. Don’t even try to change lanes and hope someone will let you in.


But the door is there. Go through the door, or for the rest of my (our) lives retreat on the safe side. Just anticipating a new or revisited activity creates all kinds of havoc within me. I think of all sorts of possible outcomes just from driving on the freeway. I get super anxious. I go on side streets, which are hazardous in themselves, or I just don’t go. I worry my reflexes are no longer fast enough.


What about going shopping at a mall? I decided to go once, then I couldn’t find it. Did they change the mall’s location? I wasn’t about to stop and ask anyone. I limped home. That sounds stupid to some, but that is what I did at that time.


Someone invited me to an event. How could I ever find my way there, with all sorts of major road changes? I was used to driving on two roads, two country roads. I got super anxious again. I tried to go and got lost. Again.


Going through the door requires courage. It is scary to face the unknown. What is it going to be? Am I up to it? Do I have the skills to meet the new world?


As I have said before, it is tempting to fall into assistive behaviors, such as over-drinking, overeating, drugs, gambling, or anything to give us an extra boost. Again, these behaviors can easily lead to habit-forming mental, or even physical, problems. I don't want to go there, as tempting as many of them are.


We have choices. We are herd animals. The herd is not going to come knocking at our door. If we want to ease that terrible loneliness, we’re going to have to be brave and go through that door. We have to re-enter the community and life.


I am sending courage your way. It only takes just one small step at a time. I think we can both get through. We can re-enter life, whatever our next may turn out to be.


Let me know how you are doing. I care.


Sincerely,

Lynn Brooke


© 2023 Our New Chances

Photo credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau

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