Life lesson: We will experience loss and grief at times in our lives. Prepare as best as you can.
A friend stopped by today and told me she had lost her job. She wasn’t fired. The company had been sold and she was considered excess management. This was a shock to her and, as a result, she is suffering a terrible loss. She believed she would be with this company until she retired and she loved her job.
Loss comes at us in many ways. If it were rated on a scale of 1 to 10, would it be less painful at a 2 than if it’s an 8? Some days I feel like the pain is a 9. Some days I can stay distracted enough to ward off the pain. Some days it’s like a toothache with a pain level of 4.
Canadian writer Louise Penny describes the consequences of loss as being thrown to the floor and unable to get up, of having your heart ripped out, of being unable to get out of your chair once you’re seated, of being unable to leave the house. It is obvious this writer has “walked her walk” with loss as have I.
I would define terminal loss, with the resultant extreme grief, at a higher end of the zero to ten scale. It would result in a greater experience of grief. I suppose it would depend on the involvement and attachment to the person or thing one has lost.
When my spouse died, I could not even register grief. I was totally numb. Now, the pain runs up and down the scale. There are days I would welcome numbness now.
A friend had a large spider, a tarantula, in an aquarium for a long time. The tarantula was her pet and she had to go to extremes to feed and properly care for it. She had a grief reaction when it died and didn’t understand why.
In our lifetimes, we have a variety of losses. Our pets die, our new car gets smashed or our vacation gets canceled. The big loss is when our loved one dies or leaves us. All of these are losses and result in grieving, whether we acknowledge it or not.
Take a minute. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love for your lost one. This may be your wife, your husband, your lover, your dog, your cat, your other pet, or thing. Declare your love.
On a scale 1-10, rate your grief and pain.
I have acknowledged the importance of accepting grief and experiencing it. Grief is not easy, and is oftentimes painful. It is not a predictable journey. I am greedy. I want everything to be how it was before my spouse died. Grief hits me like a sledgehammer when episodes start. It then slacks off over time. Then, a certain song plays, I open a drawer that contains a remnant of us, someone says something in a certain way to remind me of my loss, or an anniversary date approaches and, WHAM, I am off on another painful grief journey. My mind and body is permeated with pain again and again. It drives me to the floor. It feels like my heart has been ripped out. It feels like a dark pit.
I have tried to accept a helping hand and I have rejected a toxic hand during my grieving process.
In dealing with grief, I keep rules in my head that are crucial for a “don’t do” list. I don't
Overeat to dull the pain.
Drink in excess to dull the pain.
Seek out random sexual experiences.
Isolate myself.to the extreme
Buy random stuff.
Follow suggestions from outsiders who may not have my best interests at heart.
Some of these rules may be helpful. Maybe you are already aware of the siren song of avoidance.
Do be prepared to let it go.
I try to give myself time. I need to revel in the wonderful experiences given to me by my chosen person, my spouse.
I have been so fortunate to have had such wonderfulness in my life. What if I had no grief? What if I had been too shallow or indifferent to form an attachment? My grief is a measure of the love I gave and received. It exceeds a 10.
There are many resources to assist us with loss and grief. Medical providers publish blogs. Hospice publishes newsletters. If you are mired in a bottomless pit, please visit the sites to obtain help and gain insight. This is not an easy journey.
While we can never be fully prepared, it is important to be aware we need to deal with loss and grief in a healthy manner and strive to refrain from establishing self-defeating behaviors. A psychologist friend once told me, “burying negative emotions will eventually surface in physical or psychological illness.”
Let us not hide behind closed doors. It takes courage to start opening new doors and begin experiencing grief. It is a testament of our love.
Let me know how you are doing, I care.
Sincerely, Lynn Brooke
© 2023 Our New Chances
Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau
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