Life lesson: Generational lessons may be helpful or inhibiting.
My GP, grief partner, has been visiting for a few days. She was glad to get away from the extreme heat where she lives full-time. She is wonderful company. Everyone wants her to visit and go on trips. She is very social, funny and not demanding.
We get along well together and the dog likes her.
When she left this morning, it was like a lot of air went out of the house with her, not BS or hot air, but comfort air. The house became very quiet. She brought a lot of presence with her, which was pleasant.
We didn’t have to race around and do sightseeing. She just liked to be outdoors and enjoy the weather and quietness of my location.
I make a joke to anyone who wants to visit. I tell them they will have to cook. I didn’t tell her that. She has raised kids and taken care of her husband, which constituted cooking for them. When it was food time, we both just sort of utilized a coordinated effort. We didn't get in each other’s way. Whoever started a dish was responsible to finish it. We didn't have to argue or make rules. We just did meals seamlessly, and we did eat out. There are very good restaurants here.
She has a lot of friends and does a lot of social things. She says she is working hard to not be an issue with her children. She needs to give them space and not have them worry about her.
With her sense of humor and observation, she related some of the issues (respectfully, not in jest) with her friends. Of course, we are all getting older and have conditions. She shared how some are reacting and adjusting. Some are not, pretending they don’t have problems. Some are shaking the card playing table with Parkinson’s tremors and not wanting treatment and some are very demanding and causing others in the card game to just roll their eyes.
Another sent her spouse with Dementia to an assisted living facility because she could see no reason for both their lives to be ruined. He didn’t know her anymore so it wasn’t a big loss for him not to see her. She is going places and doing things, rather than sitting home with someone who doesn’t know who she is.
Perhaps there is a lot of good sense from her instead of feeling guilt. She is being realistic. Most of my GP’s friends are being enmeshed in guilt that they aren’t doing more for a situation where more doesn’t help. It just exhausts them.
Our entire collective community of older ones are going through the experience of our loved ones, and ourselves, getting illnesses and losing strength. The reactions and behaviors of each are setting examples, showing the younger ones and children what is expected and what responsibilities are. These examples were programmed into us by our parents. Parents, who mainly had to be cared for by spouses and children and relatives, as care resources were far between and not always desirable.
Now resources are being developed at breakneck speed. Assistive care devices and facilities are flourishing. It is a wonder if their acceptance will keep up and be taken advantage of in the long run.
Dementia is also flourishing. As we older ones live longer, we seem to be everywhere with Dementia. Will we be able to adjust psychologically to the cold facts? They don’t know us. We are not doing a great service to ruin our own lives and health by trying to do the impossible 24/7 care, which includes lifting, total care, keeping up the house and isolating ourselves.
It is a hard reality to face. Are we going to be able to give our younger ones and children a different message than our parents gave us?
I cared for my spouse for 10 years, along with caregivers. In hindsight, would I have done anything different? My generational lessons are family implanted.
My grandmother took care of my invalid grandfather for years and years.
She was looked after by my aunt and uncle, until she died.
My uncle died at home under hospice care.
My maternal grandfather was cared for with care shared between his five children.
My parents both stayed under hospice care in acute care facilities under the last few weeks of living requirements.
My mother consented to live in a retirement facility where she was visited often. There were no suitable family arrangements for her at the time and she did flourish there. In contrast, she would have been isolated in any of our family residences.
I could not have admitted my spouse to a facility when her dementia progressed to the phase where she did not recognize me. We had long-term care insurance and caretakers coming into our home. She probably would have been very happy in a facility, where there were more people. She would have had more to talk with on a daily basis.
My generational embedded care lessons demanded I care for her at home. It was my responsibility.
But in addition to my embedded responsibility, was the reality that I couldn't part with her. Even as ill as she was, I couldn’t let her go. She was still with me, even in a detached state.
She took all of the air out of my life when she died.
Let me know how you are doing. I care.
Sincerely,
Lynn Brooke
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Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau
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