My friend’s daughter visited her this weekend. She had a black eye. She said she bumped into something, it was careless of her.
My friend knows her son-in-law is an abuser. Her daughter has gone to ER too many times for the problems to be purely accidental, such as a broken rib and a broken arm. Abuse isn’t always physical. Emotional abuse can be just as detrimental and she suspects there is a lot of that going on, as well. She is sick about it and doesn’t know what to do. It isn’t an easy solution and it's a never-ending problem.
There seems to be news every day about an ex-husband, or a current husband, killing his wife, his property. It is not just the wife that is in danger. The National Statistics Domestic Violence Fact Sheet reported that 20% of victims were family members, friends, neighbors, interveners, law enforcers and bystanders.
My neighbor has every right to be concerned, not only for her daughter, but for herself. She is aware her son-in-law has power and control over her daughter. She doesn’t exactly know how or when it became so extreme, but she is aware it can evolve.
Early on, power was legitimized for men by the marriage license. It was a legal document of ownership. He owned his wife and could do anything he wanted. She was to obey. Not only was she owned, it was her God-given duty to obey. With the progression of women’s rights, this possession of power and control became more sophisticated.
Men aren’t the only abusers, although 1 in 4 of those abused are women, while 1 in 9 are men.
To gain control, he might, or would:
Tell her that she never does anything right.
Show extreme jealousy of her friends.
Prevent her from making her own decisions, including work or school plans.
Control finances.
Pressure to have sex or perform actions which are not comfortable.
Pressure to use drugs.
Intimidate by threatening looks or actions.
Insult parenting and/or threaten to harm or take away children or pets.
Intimidate with weapons like guns and knives.
Destroy personal belongings or the home.
Her daughter has left him several times, but he can be very charming and cajoles her into coming back. He says that he is so sorry and it will never happen again. Then it starts all over again, sometimes like a fog creeping over the landscape.
Her daughter put together a safe plan, which includes where to go, what to do and what to have prepared ahead of time. She has copies of identification, including the following:
A drivers license.
Birth certificates for her and her children.
Social Security cards for all.
Financial information.
Money and credit cards in her name.
Checking and saving’s account books with her name.
Her daughter has the following legal papers, also in a safe place:
Copies of the deed to her (their) home and their rental property.
Car registration and insurance papers.
Divorce and custody papers.
Marriage license.
Her daughter knows she can get a protective order, but hasn’t done so, yet.
She has other important items stashed in a safe place:
Medications and refills.
Emergency items, such as food, water and a first aid kit.
Multiple changes of clothes for her and the children.
Emergency money.
An address book.
An extra set of house and car keys.
Pictures and sentimental items.
Valuable items, such as jewelry.
A safe cell phone.
She has emergency phone numbers of her attorney, trusted friends and family members, local doctors’ offices and the children’s school.
My neighbor is helpless. It is up to her daughter to take steps to free herself. It seems to be a quagmire pulling them all in and down. She has emphasized to her daughter that she will need help if she ever does decide to leave him. She has told her that hotlines exist, such as 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and that help is available.
The beautiful home I built for my wife was sold to a group of attorneys. Their specialty was to assist men whose wives were leaving them or seeking divorce. They were skilled at methods to thwart leaving, or to leave the wife stripped of finances or children. These groups of attorneys are adept at taking any word uttered by the children against them and turning it into cause of abuse by the wife.
For some reason this beautiful home caught on fire and burned down. This isn’t the first time disrespect against my wife, in some form or other, coincidentally, maybe, resulted in disaster to those attempting to cheat her or do harm.
She had powers of events to come, which I evidenced many times. I know of at least two men who died after attempting to cheat her in a business deal. I can’t explain. What I didn’t mind was the loss of this beautiful home, which prevented what I considered evil to move into.
Aren’t I doing the same thing? Approving the destruction of what I still claimed? How easy it is to get drawn into evil ways.
There isn’t much I can do to help my neighbor’s daughter. I wonder if I can send an SOS to my wife on the other side letting her know that my neighbor’s daughter needs help.
As I re-enter life, I am becoming aware of the difficulties others are having. My friends and neighbors who have been helping me are experiencing their own problems.
I feel ashamed. I’ve been so selfish not to notice and offer help, if only to listen.
I can’t solve their problems, but I can listen and take food, even if it is Scavenger’s soup.
Let me know how you are doing. I care.
Contemplation: Will you be able to offer information or help to those who seek it?
Sincerely,
Lynn Brooke
© 2023 Our New Chances
Photo Credit: © 2023 Rachel Gareau
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